My heart is LOCKED once again

That night was cold. I was shivering. Seriously shivering. I couldn't close my eyes and I couldn't stop crying. My heart was being tortured again. Only God knows how cold and empty my heart is. Wait, do I still have a heart? It's been broken twice.

Tears running down my cheeks as I write this. This is what I do when I'm in pain, I express my feelings in words. When I was a teenager, I was the kind of girl who doesn't believe in true love because I didn't trust men. But as time passed by, I grew up like any other normal girls that have heart, feelings and instinct to like and to love a man. My lips were saying hatred but I could'nt lie to myself when my heart skipped a beat. It was love.

I had relationships with men twice now and each failed with me being cheated in the end. The first one didn't really love me and there was less chemistry going on between us. I guess that was the major reason why our relationship didn't work out. It took me a while to regain my trust in men and be with someone again. Until I met him. He was lovely and I fell deeply in love with him. I loved him so much that I even thought of a name for our baby when we get married. We were really happy and in love. I knew he loved me, I could feel it. Unfortunately, his love for me was only to that extent. After nearly a year, always, my relationship would start to shake. It seems true that love will only last for 100 days. After that the relationship will no longer be exciting and feelings will start fading even though two people are still together. That's what happened to our relationship. Even so, I tried my best to make our love sparks again, I always did, but I couldn't do that alone. I know myself, when I loved a man, I always, always, always tried to make him happy. I begged him to honestly tell me where did I do wrong. He said to me, "It's not you, you've always been a nice girl". This is what I always got from men that used to love me. Why did they say that I treated them well and yet they hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? I would rather being dumped because of my attitudes or other things. Shall I turn into a bad girl so that my boyfriend will not run away to another girl? Shall I give my body to make my boyfriend stick to me? Love sucks. And I always got dumped in the month of my birthday. I've never celebrated my birthday with my boyfriend, I've never celebrated love anniversary because my relationship always failed when it reached almost a year. Sometimes I feel like I'm being cursed. When I was a teenager, I used to say I don't want to get married because I don't trust men. My perspective on men was proven and what I said seems to really happen, maybe I will never get married.

I'm a love fool. I get it now. No matter how well I treat a man, even if he knows and feels my love, if his feelings change, there's nothing I can do but leave. As time passes by, everything around us change, people change, feelings change, you and I change. It's a natural process in life. We can't lie to ourselves. We can't force ourselves to love. Love has no rights or wrongs. Out of morality, being loyal seems to be the right thing to do, but if you're not sincere to love that person, won't it be a wrong thing because you're cheating yourself and your partner. So I'm glad that he finally had the courage to come clean with me and didn't let me holding on something which is not certain. It was hard to swallow the truth. When a person's feelings change, who should be blamed? Why couldn't he be faithful to me like I did despite of my feelings for him started to distort too? His love for me was only to that extent? How frustrating. Will I get to meet a man that will CONTINUOUSLY LOVING ME, ONLY ME, and his feelings for me will FOREVER STAY? I was loved but not forever. Sometimes I wish I'm a robot with no heart. Then I won't feel pain and I won't complain. A person in love is bound to get hurt. What's hurt the most is being betrayed by the person that you love.

Officially broke up on the 25th of June. June again. I hate June.

Angry Teacher Shanty

Today for the first time in my life as a teacher, during my class pemadam white board terabang. Hahaha! My colleague who sits next to me in the staffroom had her marker pen terabang jua hahaha, ani lagi bagus, target tarus (tak sengaje). Hehe. I never thought that I would do the same thing today. Maybe because I'm having my period and some witch just got my nerve.

Day by day, I'm becoming like those teachers who always shout and nag. Being a teacher makes me feel old and ugly. How uncool is that. SIGH! That kid whom I scolded came to me before he had his Ugama class. I thought he wouldn't wanna see me again after that "flying white board eraser incident" hehe. Guess what, he went to see me in the staff room because he wanted me to teach him. And before I left, he salam my hands yo. Maybe he was feeling guilty for making me mad. But darn, a little thing like that left me feeling a slight guilt as well. Slight je hehe. Dah dah I'm done typing. Good night.

Shary, kore kara ganbarimasu! Fight-ing!

♥ Boys Before Flowers (꽃보다 남자) ♥

I'm sure many of you have watched Hana Yori Dango (the original version) and Meteor Garden (the Chinese version of Hana Yori Dango). And there's a KOREAN version too! It's called Boys Before Flowers or Boys Over Flowers. It's so brand new, the episodes are still on going. It started airing on KBS2 on 5th January 2009 and will end in March. I've been watching this drama till episode 10 and so addicted to it. My opinion, this is the BEST version of Hana Yori Dango! You know how Koreans act, most Korean dramas are just superb! In this version, the guys are MUCH CUTER, SO WEALTHY, SO OHHHH~ (my boyfriend will get annoyed if he hears this hahaha). GIRLS, this is a MUST WATCH!!!

Click here to watch Boys Before Flowers online!

My Updates ♥

I want to thank those people who have responded on my posts regarding eczema. I appreciate all your concerns. Love you people. I was very self-conscious about my skin before. But syukur alhamdulillah, I'm feeling much better now even though I still have eczema on and off. But that's okay, I'll find ways to get rid of it for good! And now Lovellia is back to pose in front of the camera! Mmmwah! I felt like taking my own pictures before 2008's gone. Here are few of my latest pictures which were taken today:

Tengok heels ku, mun tecucuk mata, ada yang buta tu. Hahaha.


I take pictures of myself is my way to gain my self-esteem. Playing makeup and dress fitting cheer me up a bit. Sometimes, being vain reduces my pain.

Ceh nak lawan pose ye. Vote, who's more pretty? Lol. Of course the real model! I wish I have her legs. Thanks to black stockings I can cover up my eczema scars. Omg I'm so in love with this dress, despite of the ribbon crisis. *Sigh* I bought it @ Cawaii's Fashion Closet for B$30.

Second update, I've been working on my NEW BLOG. I called it MJ2B (My Journey 2 Beauty). Wanna take a peek, click the banner below.

Talk about VIRGINITY ♥

I sure caught your attention. Virginity, how much does it still valued here in Brunei? These days more and more couples married at a very young age, not because they had planned to, but they just had to. You know, the one we call here in Brunei 'kawin exsiden'. Recently I heard a 15 year old girl got pregnant by her boyfriend. When I was 15, I didn't even know that we, Muslims, also do the kissing stuff. I know I sound stupid. Hahaha! I was too naive back then, but it was better untaught than ill-taught. Modernisation seems to have corrupted our morality. It doesn't need porn to make a boy turn on, watching Shakira shaking her ass on MTV is enough to make a boy wet his pants. Oops. I mean some men. Heehee. Looking back into the human history, virginity in wives and daughters was a concept treasured by men. In non-religious terms, virginity is much less valued in the modern Western world. There, a 24 year old virgin like me must have been suspected to have a personality disorder or maybe considered pathetic. Hahaha! YES, I AM a VIRGIN and I'm fine being one, for now.

If a girl loses her virginity before married, she is a disgrace to her family, her religion and the society. What about men? As far as I know, men tend to lose their virginity at a much earlier age. Men, they're so easy, easy to get tempted to do it. When it comes to these cultural values associated with virginity, a boy loses his virginity is almost not an issue. However, for a girl, it's a taboo. Not fair.

Most girls lost their virginity because of love. Even though we know well that it is a sin to have sex before married in the Islamic term, some of us just cannot resist the temptation, that burning desire to feel and experience sexual pleasure. Humans are weak. I understand why some couples do it. I'm also human, a girl in love too, I understand that desire. That's why I have to be careful myself. Heehee. I thought, even Eve fell for the Devil's words, she was feeding her desire by eating the apple. The forbidden sure tastes like heaven, but only for a while. I know I'm allergic to seafood, yet I still eat them. It's the same thing. Thus, I won't look badly or 'pandang serong' at non-virgins. Everyone made mistakes in their lives. Even if the girl is like a sex machine, I have nothing against her, it's her life. Sex can be addictive. That's why ada 'Easi card girls', 'bohsia' and macam-macam la. I guess they do it for money and pleasure. I pity those girls. Maybe they have this idea, "sama jua aku bukan anak dara lagi, inda kisah lah". What a shame. I think, generally, once people have sex, they'll be wanting more, and gradually it will turn into a sweet addiction. Am I gonna experience this as well?! Hahaha! That's why I only want sex after kahwin, then baru HALAL. Hahaha! But if the girl is sleeping with her girlfriend's man or something like that, she is really a low life whore. Speaking of whore, I noticed that if a girl sleeps around, she will be labeled a WHORE, a SLUT or a BITCH. Men have no such nick names even if they indulge in illicit sex with other men's women. Well not that I know of. Not fair again.

And another scenario, what if a girl lost her virginity because it was taken from her. Yes, rape cases, victims are mostly women. We are easy targets of sexual harrassment and molestation. Why do we, females, always have to be the victims?! Not fair! Ok girls, let's rape some men! Hahaha! I think men will enjoy that, then it's no longer called 'rape'. Lol. V stands for Virginity, V stands for Vagina, vagina belongs to us, women, which makes us V the Victims in this issue. Hahaha!

Why I am still a virgin up to this day is because I treasure my body. Virginity is my dignity. It takes years to keep my virginity, but it won't take a minute to lose it. I think some of us have forgotten the value of virginity and the long term effects, both positive and negative. It is truly something to be held onto, something to guard and give away only to the one and only one. What? Do I sound like your mama now? Hahaha. Think about it, virginity, once lost, can never be recovered or replaced. To me, it is too precious, more than gold, a treasure that once you lost, you can never get it back. So if I want to give up my virginity, I will give it away to the person who worth my heart, my body and soul, the one I call husband in the future. I want to give it away with no regrets. Besides, 'virgin' is always the best, and that will be my wedding gift to my future husband.

You may think that the person you love right now is the one, but he may not be, so think again before you give it away, considering how it's lost could change your life forever. If you're not a virgin anymore, don't hate me for this post, because I don't hate you. Hating me won't make you a virgin again. If you're okay with it, fine. To those who are not, rather than wasting your time regretting your past, you might as well fully enjoy the present. You don't wanna miss the good things in life.

I ask you men out there, do you give a damn if your girl is a virgin or not? Does her past matters now?

P/S: Please respond to my poll on the left side: "Be true be you! Are you a virgin?".

Thank you!

GHOST at GIANT?!

Mom was telling me a ghost story that was told by grandma. Grandma heard the story from her relative's daughter. The daughter was telling a story of her friend. Hahaha. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know the exact details of this story that I'm going to share. So pardon me if what I write here is slightly different from the real story, that is if you've heard this story somewhere or you're happened to be in the story. But what I do know is that this is a REAL story happening at the Brunei's GIANT Hypermarket.

Cakap Brunei bisai, baru membari kambang bulu HOHOHO! Cemani ceritanya, anak saudara my nini punya kawan ani bejalan ke Giant dengan anaknya, anaknya ni kanak-kanak la masih. I think just the two of them. Masa shopping, anaknya ni diam saja. Sudah abis shopping, sampai di kereta, anaknya duduk di belakang, dibawanya anaknya ni becakap tapi inda menjawab, inda jua mamanya ni berapa peduli. Sudah di rumah, pun sama, langsung inda becakap anaknya ni. Macam sugul lagi usulnya. Susah hati parentsnya ni, takut anak durang ni ketaguran masa di Giant kah apa, durang panggil tah ustaz. Uwaaaaa~ malas ku becerita lagi, bediri segala bulu-buluan, hahaha! I'm writing this after midnight. I feel like something is behind me right now, wondering what I'm up to here. Uwaaaaaa~ I stop my story here la, sambungan cerita tu I leave it to your imagination. Hahaha!

Ok this is siang dah, I continue my story hehe. Most of the time, I'm not scared of ghosts, but there are times pandai jua takut. Hehe. Back to the story, so ustaz datang ah. Ustaz atu meliat anak ani, "Eh, ani bukan anak mu ni. Baik tah kamu bawa balik ke Giant. Anak giant kali". Hahaha! The last sentence I just made it up. Sorry sorry, ok serious serious. Tekajut durang, pasal muka anak ani sama banar dengan anak durang, baju pun sama. Panic, balik tah durang semula ke Giant malam atu jua, rupanya anak durang yang banar ni sibuk jua mencari mamanya di sana. Sudah tejumpa anaknya yang banar ni, ilang tia 'anak hantu' ah. Rupanya, masa di Giant, inda tah mamanya ni sadar anaknya ni arah lain, entah, maybe bemain arah tempat permainan ah. Yang ikut dengannya di belakang ni ke hulu ke hilir di Giant ni sampai ke kereta and rumah ni rupanya hantu! Tapi yang calinya ikut jua anak hantu ni ke mana-mana, di bawa balik ke Giant, ikut jua hehe. Well inda mustahil la di kawasan Giant tu berhantu, di Rimba tah lagi. Plus durang ke sana time maghrib. You know this hantu yang suka menyerupai kitani. My mom cakap Hantu Selibaya kah, macam Surabaya pun ada jua bunyinya. Hehe. Biasanya hantu ni inda pulang mengacau tapi it likes to "copy". Menyerupai orang, bunyi-bunyian kah, especially if you're alone at home, macam-macam tah bunyi tu, seolah-olah rumah tu ada orang. Scary right. Hehe. I think this kind of ghost is common and I think mana-mana tempat pun possible ada. But I didn't expect that it would go to the extent that it will follow you sampai ke rumah. So be careful, or you might end up bringing a ghost to your home!

I wanna be a COSPLAYER! ♥

I may sound childish, especially with the fact that I am a teacher-to-be. So what, I love anime! I'm Bleach fan! I want to wear at least one anime costume that fits me. I always dream of dressing like a Lolita. Hehe. Below I uploaded only pictures that I like, those people with cool faces only. I'd like to thank Amal for sending me some of these pictures. Arigatou Amal-chan!

Ichigo


Byakuya

Uruhara

Chad


Hitsugaya


Aizen

The Shinigami Captains



Ishida

Rukia in her school uniform



Kuchiki Rukia

Inoue Orihime

Among the Espadas, I love Ulquiorra Schiffer the most! Because of his blank expression hahaha, I find it cool.



Espada No. 8



Ichimaru Gin, the sly guy

I love the Espadas. They're so cool!

Kenpachi Zaraki, the maniac

The hollow guy (I forgot his name)



The little girl at Uruhara's shop

Kyoraku Syunsui & his vice captain Ise Nanao

Hensemnya Abarai Renji. Phewit!

Si Bwahahaha! I don't know his name hahaha! I know he's not cool, but I like the episode in which he appeared.

The truth is... I've always wanted to wear one of those dresses that Chii's wearing. Chii from Chobits. I love her dresses! Uwaaa, I regretted cutting my hair. Just a little regret. Oh how I wish I can get my beautiful skin back. Stupid eczema!

Isn't Chii adorable?

♥ Worth Reading ♥

I was supposed to post this during Ramadhan, but I kept on forgetting. If you're Muslims, read this. Rugi if inda take note. I love zikir, because I find zikir is one of the simplest ways untuk beramal and gain pahala, and it can be done anytime, even if you're having your period girls. Below, I will share some very useful daily zikir. I have lots though, but I will share My Favorite Top 10 Zikir. Zikir pun ada Carta Top 10 hahaha, not just on MTV or Channel V. Some of you might not know how one name of Allah worths, even the word 'Allah', if you say it so many times dengan kusyuk and ikhlas, you will be blessed, insyAllah. Saying Allah's name so many times will increase your pahala, it's better than saying nama si Jamilah or si Jamidong. Hahaha!

So here's My Favorite Top 10 Zikir :

1) Ya-Samii'

Barangsiapa yang membaca Ya-Samii' 100 x dan membisu kepada sesiapa pada hari khamis selepas menunaikan solat Zuhur, Allah akan makbulkan segala hajatnya.

Even though I listed this as my no. 1 favorite, I never really did exactly like the above. Membisu? Me? Haha, it's hard to make my mouth shut. I even speak to myself in my room. Plus, if I don't talk to anyone from lunch time till evening, it feels weird, and sure my mom and dad hairan, "What is wrong with our daughter? Is she sick?" Hahaha.

2) Ya-Baari

Barangsiapa berzikir Ya-Baari 100 x siang dan malam, selama 7 hari berturut-turut, insyAllah dirinya selamat dari kebinasaan dan dia tidak takut ketika dalam kuburnya kelak.

Barangsiapa berzikir Ya-Baari 100 x pada setiap malam hari selama 7 hari berturut-turut, insyAllah sembuh segala penyakit yang dihidapinya.

I did this during Ramadhan, but didn't manage to do it continuously for 7 days. I was in pain at that time, even my lips hurt, due to eczema, so I couldn't really do it because I wasn't focused. Masatu memikirkan sakit saja, if inda ikhlas berzikir, bedusa sajakan. I'm grateful that my skin is much better now.

3) Ya-Ghaffaar

Barangsiapa yang berulangkali membaca Ya-Ghaffaar akan diampuni Allah SWT segala dosanya.

Barangsiapa inginkan kemewahan harta, anak dan diberi rezeki yang berkat, maka hendaklah dilazimkan membaca "Astaghfirullah Innahu Kana Ghaffaaran" sebanyak 70 x setiap hari, insyAllah dikabulkan segala keinginannya.

Diampuni segala dosanya, WOW! But but but, sembahyang jangan tinggal.

4) Ya-Hamiid

Barangsiapa berzikir Ya-Hamiid 99 x selepas solat Subuh, kemudian ditiupkannya pada kedua-dua tangannya dan disapukan kedua-dua tangannya itu ke mukanya, insyAllah dirinya dimuliakan, dibantu urusan hidupnya dan wajahnya bersih berseri.

Extra Extra! Beauty Tip : Untuk awet muda, both internal and external (woseh haha), baca Ya-Badiyah 1 x, Ya-Nur 1 x, Ya-Hadi 1 x dan Ya-Allah 3 x. Baca dan tiup ke tapak tangan dan sapu ke raup muka kita setiap hari.

5) Ya-Wahhab

Barangsiapa yang menyebut berulangan Ya-Wahhab sebanyak 7 x semasa memohon sesuatu daripada Allah, permohonannya dimakbulkan.

6) Ya-Raauuf

Ok, this is very useful. Read this. Barangsiapa berzikir Ya-Raauuf 10 x ketika marah, atau dimarahi orang, atau berada di sisi orang yang marah, kemudian membaca lagi "Allahumas Sali-aala Muhammad" 10 x, insyAllah dihilangkan perasaan marahnya atau kemarahan orang lain.

Wanna try? You go and kick someone's ass. Then try the above zikir as fast you can before getting your ass kicked back. Hahaha. Jangan cari pasal ok! Even Allah won't help you if you do something bad on purpose.

7) Ya-Salaam

Barangsiapa yang membaca Ya-Salaam 160 x dan ditujukan kepada orang yang sedang sakit, maka insyAllah dapat menolong pesakit itu sembuh.

Barangsiapa membaca "Salaam Mualaika Aiyuhan Nabiyu Warrahmatullah Hiwabarakatuh" 100 x setiap hari, insyAllah dirinya mudah menghadapi sakratulmaut (kesukaran menghadapi ajal yang akan berpisah dari badan) dan mudah pula baginya melakukan segala pekerjaan.

8) Ya-Mutakabbir

Barangsiapa yang mengulangi menyebut Ya-Mutakabbir sebelum menyetubuhi isterinya, insyAllah dirinya dikurniakan anak yang sihat dan soleh.

Hmmmmm... Hehe. Hmmm... Some people can't wait I guess. Ilang tia mood, hahaha, you know, that mood. "Laju bang eh, turn off syg karang." Wahahaha! I'm already imagining things. Astaghafirullah. (I'm laughing alone here). But I love this zikir, I will make sure my future husband read this before we make love. Wahahaha! Ada kah inda jua tu karang, inda lagi ingat kali eh. Hahahaha! So people, daripada moaning in pleasure, "Oh God~", cuba berzikir with Our God's name before doing that stuff. Control Lovellia, watch your words watch your words! This is supposed to be a blog suitable to be read by the public (U). (Slap myself). Sorry everyone. Maaf zahir dan batin. Hehe.

9) Zikir-Zikir for Mommies!

a) Ya-Syahiid

Barangsiapa yang mempunyai anak yang nakal dan selalu melawan ibu bapa, apabila membaca Ya-Syahiid berulangkali kepada anaknya, insyAllah anak itu akan menurut perintah.

Hmm... Membaca kepada anaknya, what if the kid is running around and jumping up and down like a Tarzan? Hahaha. Don't worry, read the next zikir.

b) Ya-Muqiit

Barangsiapa yang membaca Ya-Muqiit berulangkali dalam segelas air, lalu diberi minum kepada anak yang nakal, insyAllah perangai anak itu akan bertukar baik.

c) Ya-Matiin

Barangsiapa berzikir Ya-Matiin 10 x keatas anak-anak kecil lelaki atau perempuan, insyAllah mereka terpelihara daripada kejahatan zina.

10) Ya-Jaami

Barangsiapa kehilangan sesuatu, maka hendaklah dia berzikir Ya-Jaami sebanyak-banyaknya, insyAllah dikembalikan atau digantikan sesuatu yang hilang itu dengan segara.

Bagi ibu bapa yang kehilangan anak, sama ada lari dari rumah atau merantau tanpa pengetahuan mereka, jika ibu bapa membaca Ya-Jaami sebanyak mungkin, nescaya anaknya akan pulang semula ke pangkuan mereka berkat pertolongan Allah SWT.


Okay everyone, grab your tasbih now and let's berzikir! May Allah bless you always. Adios!

Back 2 DRUGS

In my neverending search for eczema true cure, my belief in natural healing is being challenged because I feel pressure and urgency since Raya is coming soon. I wanna look good in my baju raya like all the other girls. My skin condition is now far worse than it was. Being stuck in this impaired body saddens me. At one time, my skin seemed to heal following all the "pantang" and the natural diet that I was on. However I wasn't persistent in doing all that. Cravings and eating temptations always spoiled my mission. I know well that the punishment is not worth the brief moment of pleasure for my taste bud. I hate myself for being weak when it comes to food. I can resist handsome men, but I can't resist food. Hahaha. SIGH.

My swollen right leg. What you see here is BETTER than it is now. My WHOLE body is affected, and the worst areas are on my legs. Ugly right? This is the unsightly part of me.

I couldn't endure the period of healing crisis, especially with the worsening of my skin and the pains that give me sleepless nights. It was just too scary! It hurts my self-esteem. Crying was like a routine. I doubt my actions. Was I healing myself or actually killing myself? Plus, people around me are not really supportive with my idea of stopping all medications and letting my body heals itself. So in the end, I'm back to drugs! Today I had an appointment with the skin specialist at the RIPAS Hospital. I'm glad that the doctor seemed concerned; he observed my eczema, asked questions and gave explanations on how I can control this stupid eczema. He said CONTROL, like indicating that there is no permanent cure for it, all I can do is control it and visit the hospital from time to time and be a steroid addict. Yes, the doctor will help me cure the symptoms of eczema, but not fixing the real deal, that is the root cause of eczema, the DIS-EASE! Damn. I don't care anymore. I just follow what the doctor said even though I still believe in natural healing and the nasty side effects of steroids. Darn, I am reluctant to apply the steroid creams that the doctor prescribed to me. Steroids may clear my eczema temporarily and slowly destroying me inside and out, like thinning my skin, poisoning my liver and kidneys, which can result in other diseases. It won't happen immediately though. And if I stop using the steroids, it is likely to make my eczema more worse than ever! Argh whatever, I'd rather die than live ugly. I'm desperate to look good. This battle is not over. I won't give up on my own body!

One visit and I was given all these. When I was taking my medicines, I felt like people were staring at me, and perhaps wondering, "Wah banyak jua ubatnya. Apakan sakit anak ani?". Hahaha. I have lots of these at home. I have many of that rounded containers, maybe I will sell them back to the hospital hahaha.



What's up with me and my lips? I couldn't think of other pose. Hahaha. This was me on the last 20th August 2008. My skin hadn't breakout so much at that time. Even though I was in pain, I was still vain. Hahaha.

Dear Allah, please bring back my happiness.

Readers, any comments? What should I do? Should I just be a good patient and listen to my doctor?

♥ For MUSLIMS ♥

Somehow today I feel like blogging, telling my story here. I've been suffering from eczema for 1 year + now. Sometimes the pain is just so unbearable. As much as it hurts my skin, inside, I am more damaged. I care about my looks, who doesn't? Not to mention that we live in an increasingly self-conscious world, thus self-appearance is a basic priority. Despite of the common saying, "Looks is not everything, what matters the most is one's heart". Oh cut the crap. Deep down inside of that red blooded heart, people do care about looks. At Friendster, we tend to search for good-looking people aren't we? And some people simply add them into their friends list without even reading their profile or 'About Me'. Why? It doesn't matter as long as he or she is cute. I hate this fact. I'm grateful that my face isn't really affected by eczema, maybe for now. The worst affected parts are my legs. Darn I did it again, this is not what I intend to write.

About this eczema thing, I was having doubts before on how to ambil wudhu, mandi wajib and solat, since I'm experiencing both dry and weeping eczema, I felt dirty and it hurt my open wounds when they are in contact with water. So about a month ago, I tried to find answers through the internet. I found a blog with religious content (Laman Soal Jawab Agama) and the author is a Malaysian Ustaz. So I asked him regarding this matter. This is what I got in brief:


1) Jika penyakit kulit itu merangkumi seluruh badan, saudara boleh bertayammum jika menggunakan air itu membawa kesakitan atau memudaratkan kecederaan pada kulit.

2) Pendapat Imam Ahmad dan Syafi'ie - wajib diganti dengan tayammum. Membasuh kawasan yang sihat dengan air sebagaimana biasa. Melakukan tayammum bagi menggantikan kawasan yang luka atau sakit.

3) Pendapat Imam Abu Hanifah dan Imam Malik - tidak perlu bertayammum. Memadai dengan menyampaikan air atau menggunakan tayammum di kawasan yang sihat sahaja. Adapun kawasan yang sakit dimaafkan oleh Syarak kerana ada keuzuran.

4) Mengenai darah dan nanah yang keluar ketika solat, ia dimaafkan kerana sukar dielakkan. Harus mengerjakan solat dalam keadaan terdapat najis yang dimaafkan.


I felt relieved that I can do my solat without any doubts now. However, one day, my skin was oozing like crazy and my fingers were so sensitive to the point that almost everything that I touched seemed like a knife. I got cuts on my fingers more than 3 times. That day I managed to finish my Subuh prayer. But when Zohor came, I had trouble with taking wudhu, it hurt my fingers especially. Taking my shower once was already too much water hitting my eczema. Imagine, 5 solat, 5 times taking wudhu. I was depressed with my condition, stressed out and confused... sembahyang or inda sembahyang? The problem was taking wudhu, the water hurt my skin. I almost cried. Then I texted my boyfriend like a typical hopeless girlfriend complaining, as if doing solat was a hassle and expressing my worries to him. He replied to me, "Hun sembahyang saja ok". Still undecisive, yet I just followed what he told me to do despite of the pain. You know, love makes you do things even though you may not like it. During the solat, I was thinking, "I don't want to do my prayer because I don't want to take the risk of worsening my eczema when taking wudhu. I want to do my solat only when I'm cured and I promise by then I will never skip my solat again." Then another thoughts came into my head, "Will I get better this way? Everything that happened came from Allah, including this eczema on my skin." I was like in a pause mode for a while. Suddenly I felt tears running down my cheeks (darn, I almost want to cry right now). I almost skipped my prayer simply because I was worried about the pain on my fingers. But I didn't think about the pain that I would go through in hell if I skip my prayer. And if I skip my prayer, like I'm gonna heal? Hello! God decides everything. No medicines can heal me if Allah don't let it to happen. What was I thinking! It was as if I didn't trust Allah and didn't want to ask for help from Him. Instead of going to Him, I almost wanted to neglect my solat and tried to cure it my own way. That moment, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I didn't expect that I would cry. You see, Syaitan, Iblis, Setan bejambul hahaha and mana-mana yang se-spesis dengannya can distort our iman, especially when we are angry, depressed and stressed out, because that is when our heart is so vulnerable. So be careful. Devils, HIYAAA WATCHAAAA DUSH DUSH! SHOO SHOO!

Since then, I keep doing my 5 times solat like normally, trying not to miss any of it. Not to show off ah, just to motivate myself and menyedarkan abiskita hahaha! Abiskita? Atu Brunei~ Hahaha! I'm not religious myself, I'm a weak human, but I try to fight my weaknesses and those devilish temptations. Alhamdulillah, the pain on my skin has been decreasing and some areas seem to heal. It takes patience, healing doesn't occur overnight and even if the healing is slow, I'm still grateful and it may be a test from Allah. Nya orang Jepun, "Ganbatte!". Nya orang Korea, "Fight-ing!". Nya my darling, "Sabar hun ah! Abis pantang nanti, bee belanja hun makan puas-puas!". Hahaha! I'm thankful to my precious boyfriend for pushing me to do my solat. Did he push me or persuade me? I remember he said to me, "If hun sembahyang, baru me call tonight." Ceh! Haha.

Today's moral:

SEMBAHYANGLAH KAMU SEBELUM KAMU DISEMBAHYANGKAN

♥ Love★Com (ラブ★コン) ♥

I am so on cloud 9 right now. Nope, not because I'm in love. It's this anime 'LOVELY COMPLEX'! Watching the 1st episode has made me fallen in love with the story. It's a comedy love story between a tall girl, Risa (172 cm) and a chibi/shorty, Otani (156 cm), who often quarrel and tease each other (especially about their height). But later on, Risa develops a feelings towards Otani and bla bla bla...

What's more, this anime has a LIVE action movie which I've just found out early this morning at Youtube. Oh I love Youtube! I'd usually prefer anime to live action. BUT BUT BUT, Lovely Complex the movie is an exception. I can assure you that especially with the appearance of the super cute Teppei Koike, who plays the role of Atsushi Otani. Uwaa~ Kawaii~ Don't get me wrong, I like this movie not simply because of his cuteness. I salute the director for his good choice of selecting the actors and actresses for this comical love story. Fujisawa Ema (Risa) is not bad, pretty but not that pretty. Her height matches the role of Risa Koizumi, but I don't really like her overdoing movements and her hairdo. Still, that doesn't spoil the movie. I love how they talk and act just like the characters in the anime, like that bleeding nose when a guy has a perverted imagination in his mind, that cool proud speech and that stupid facial expressions. ^_^ ***Warn you, this is not a typical love story, it's involving height.*** Hahaha! I don't think anyone will be offended when watching this anime/live action. I rated it 4.95 out of 5. If you wanna watch it, I recommend you to watch the anime first, because nothing beats the original version. Gotta go, I'm still watching it! Lovey dovey! ^^,

Sorry I've just found out that the anime video had been deleted from Imeem. Darn! It's one of the best anime that I've watched. It's perfect from episode 1-24. Anyway, you could still watch the live action movie here --> Lovely Complex Part 1 of 12

Melanggar Pantang!

I started grabbing the "forbidden" foods on 10th August which is the 10th day of my eczema healing program. Why couldn't I wait for 4 more days. I knew it, resolution wise, I'm not strong enough. Today, I just had 1 murtabak, 1 tumpi and 2 curry chicken. Tidakkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my previous posts - 'Healing Crisis' and 'My Contract To Myself')

This diet sure improves my eczema skin, though not drastically, my eczema skin IS healing itself. And I barely catch flu these days. Before, I often blamed the aircon for my daily sickness (I also blamed the dusts, the germs, my sick friends, late night movies,... I know I know I'm a 'blamer') when actually it was my immune system that was weak due to toxins overloaded in my body following my so unhealthy eating habits. So it was my fault.

The best thing about this diet is that you can lose weight without having to starve yourself or exercising. I was 50 kg and now I'm 46 kg! In fact, I ate a lot, but you see, fruits, veggies, seeds and nuts won't make you fat. Now I believe it! I'm excited about my weight, yet a little worry. Sticking to this healing program might cause me losing another kg. I wanna look sexy, not skinny! Normal guys are not fond of skinny girls. Thin girls, don't get mad, get fat, but not too fat. Why should I be worried? I can turn myself into a pig in just one night. Hahaha! In my world, food is the devil. The temptation to eat those "poisonic" foods is getting stronger each day. Last night, it was as if the fried fish was staring at me, whispering, "Eat me, sikit ja, apa jua sehari? I'm not always here." Hahaha! Actually it was me that kept on staring at the fish, deciding to eat or not to eat. It was delicious especially when dipped in my favorite sauce that mom made. You've guessed it, I ate it. Yummy!

I know I screwed up. But it's ok, I didn't mess that much. Be positive be positive! Hahaha! I just need to get back on track. Tomorrow I will start fasting and start eating right again. Qadha puasa lah, this is Syaaban and next month is Ramadhan. Yeah! Next monthnya lagi RAYA! Oh time flies so fast.

♥ WOO-MEN ♥

I LOVE THIS. READ IT.

Believe it or not? The word...

WoMAN has MAN in it.

MRs. has MR. in it.

FeMALE has MA LE in it.

SHE has HE in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

THE CONCLUSION:

NO WONDER MEN ALWAYS WANT TO BE INSIDE WOMEN!

A man was born between the legs of a woman. Yet, men just love to go back between the legs of a woman. Why??? Because there is no place like HOME. LOL.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

and... When women have real trouble, it's a

HISterectomy

When I read this, I immediately wanted to post it on my blog because it's interesting! I guess the words above were created by MEN, because WOMEN are always on their mind. Hahaha! Oh boy! Don't get mad at me. This is just for FUN.

Music Is Life

Listening to Stevie Wonder

Listening to Papa Roach

Listening to House Music



Listening to Gangster Paradise



Listening to Hip Hop

Listening to Techno and on ecstasy


MEOW~

My CONTRACT to MYSELF

I hereby commit to living a FREE ECZEMA LIFE. I will participate in a 14 day program of healing eczema the natural way.

1. I will not take all the offending foods: meats (except fish), dairy products (except those contain probiotics), grains, any foods made of flour and sugar, highly processed foods and drinks, seafood and soy products.
2. I will significantly reduce the intake of salts and seasonings in my meals.
3. I will drink at least 2 liters of filtered water a day.
4. I will ensure that my meals consist of about 60-75% alkaline forming and raw foods.
5. I will consistently make and consume vegetable juice daily.

This contract will be active starting from 1st August 2008 (Friday) until 14th August 2008 (Thursday). Furthermore, if I break any one of the above without any acceptable excuses, I will be no near to being eczema free and being alive. Obeying this contract will improve my skin and health condition, and leading me to a better life. Insyallah with God's will.